Wine and Mama Time

Ever go for a drive? Alone? I know, CRAZY thought!! And a song comes on from your play list…and, Instant. Tears. Anyone??? You may be feeling low, stressed, overwhelmed, PMSing, had a fight with your spouse or kid. Maybe you’re like me, having a wonderful little Sunday. Driving with the windows down, sun is shining, then Rascall Flatts song pops on “I Won’t Let Go”. It’s a song that reminds me of when I lost my Grandma. A song that I dedicated to my husband, when I couldn’t find all the words needed to express how I felt for him when he lost his mom. When going through the loss of our first baby due to miscarriage, and all our Infertility struggles, this was a song I thought God may be singing right to me. It’s the words, the tempo, just a piano and the singer promising all the darkness you are traveling through, I will stand by you, dry your eyes, hold you tight, and won’t let go. Who doesn’t need that?? Everyone!!

How many times do tears creep up on you when you’re lost in thought driving? In the shower? Picking up your kids’ toys for the millionth time, and find they’ve left a half eaten apple in their “kitchen”? You’re ready to check into that pity-party, party of one? But how many times do we actually “give in” to the emotions washing over us? NEVER! Who has time for that? There’s dishes to wash, laundry to get done for the kids tomorrow! Or better yet, you’ll mess up your pretty little face on your way into work. People may see the streams down your face where tears erased your perfectly placed make-up application, and then, oh shit!! People would KNOW!! Know you are human and CRYING!?!? God no, not that!! Anything but awareness of you having a pulse, showing emotion, and it accidentally spilling out of your eyes down your face!! Why do we associate tears with weakness? I hate that!! I’m a hairstylist. You know people tell us their deepest, darkest secrets. I’ve heard some crazy stuff over my 15 year career! I’ve become an non-licensed therapist. Sometimes I’m the place where they can let it out, and we usually cry together. Sometimes they can tell the saddest story with not one single tear. It’s crazy! It’s because this society we live in has such a negative impression and opinion of crying!

Now let’s see if my high school English class, “Research Methods”, can kick in so I can properly quote and reference an article I just read on all the health benefits crying provides! It’s from Judith Orloff, M.D. In an article called “The Health Benefits of Tears” on Psychology Today website, she writes this:

“Emotional tears have special health benefits. Biochemist and “tear expert” Dr. William Frey at the Ramsey Medical Center in Minneapolis discovered that reflex tears are 98% water, whereas emotional tears also contain stress hormones which get excreted from the body through crying. After studying the composition of tears, Dr. Frey found that emotional tears shed these hormones and other toxins which accumulate during stress. Additional studies also suggest that crying stimulates the production of endorphins, our body’s natural pain killer and “feel-good” hormones.”
So you release toxins?? And release feel good endorphins?? She goes on to explain how you reduce your heart rate and calm yourself after a crying fit. Amazing!!! Why do we stuff them away then? Fight them off? Apologize when they leak out and you can’t hold them back anymore? Life is frickin hard people! Like REALLY HARD!! I don’t know if you’re aware?! People, most likely you yourself, go through some insane heart ache, loss, stress, self deprecation, anxiety, just some SHIT. Why can’t we acknowledge it? Be kind to ourselves? Release it out into the world, rather than hold it inside, only to toxify us and harm us? I know when my stress level is out of control, which is always I feel, I burst!!! And it ain’t pretty! Similar to a can of biscuits. It’s unexpected, it always scares ya, and it oozes out of everywhere! Sounds like I could head my own advice and release a little more! Don’t you feel so good after a good cry?

That release. It’s so cleansing. And we as parents sooooo need to do it more. In front of your loved one, friends, your children. Let them know you’re overwhelmed, hurt, exhausted, HUMAN, and maybe just need a hug!! Someone to reassure they hear you, see you, and value you! They might not have to understand, but can listen. Or, safely cry in your car, bathroom, shower, or laundry room! Wherever!! Just to get it out! God blessed us with that gift, and I wish it didn’t come with such a negative stereotype. I love it. I cry all the time, much to my husbands chagrin. Never have I thought it was a sign of weakness! I think it proves to me someone who cries they are feeling, and living, and strong enough to not care what others think or say! To do the hard work of feeling, and then to release it. Allow. Such a powerful word I learned this past week. Allow.

So, I encourage you to turn on that song that takes you “there”. A hard place. A sad place. A dark place that needs a little light shown into it, and let yourself feel. ALLOW yourself to be free. Let yourself maybe even let it out of your body to no longer take up residency in yourself. Even if it’s on a Sunday afternoon, sun shinin drive to go get sandwiches. I gave in, didn’t care about the people at the stop lights around me. I thought about my Grandma, my mother-in-law, that beautiful baby of ours we never got to meet…and I just release, and allowed. Knowing in those dark days, I never stood alone!

If you don’t have a song, I’ll lend you mine…

* https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-freedom/201007/the-health-benefits-tears

Oh man. Ever feel like a hamster on a wheel?? Mostly your thoughts in your head?? All. Over. The. BOARD! I just came to the conclusion today….I’m tired. Duh! But mostly, I want my little brain to settle itself on down! Quit firing off amazing ideas, thoughts…questions self-doubt! I suppose that’s the joy of being a woman, and then being a mom sends ya over the edge. I’m in the sonic drive thru now, like ya do at 9:45pm, before heading? into the Wally-Marts. It’s standard. Oh wait…pause…an amazing song just came on my pandora. I must. sing. along.

Ok! I’m back. SQUIRREL!! You guys, if ya know me, you know I can’t let a little Faith Hill number slip on by without me giving it my all like I’m on “The Voice” stage…waiting for ALL of the judges to turn around! Ok. Where was I? SEE!?! My point exactly. All over the board! I know I’m not alone. I hear it a lot. The walking around the house, usually from one room to another to grab one item? Along the way, the pit stops don’t end till you’ve arrived to where you were going. Clueless. Always with an arm FULL of God knows what. Things that belong in the laundry room, the trash, a light snack, a child. You know. So much stuff! Because we can’t stop. We can’t NOT see something, and not want to grab it, move it, clean it, rearrange it, re-purpose it! Why didn’t God bless us with multiple limbs. I now envy the octopus. Just give that a moment of thought, and let’s all reflect on how life could be! Glorious. Maybe my naked babies wouldn’t run out the front door as much. Maybe.

Today I just couldn’t stop worrying. It started out of the gate! I had my monitor on low, so I didn’t hear the little monkeys awaken. They’re so good about staying in they’re room content and playing with one another, because they have to. We’ve made it so they can not come out till I have released them. It’s for everyone’s safety!! Lol I heard them and leaped out of bed!. Looked at the time and was shocked! How did I sleep so late? I hit the floor running, full of worry! Did they sleep in too late? How will this effect the rest of the day? Made breakfast. They didn’t eat anything. Did they get enough to eat? Should I make a a small cruise ship breakfast buffet? Continue offering items. No. I am well aware they will eat if they need to! But still…the hamster in the wheel carries out his lifetime sentence of forcing you to worry. It’s his only mission in life. Poor fella.

Shockingly, we arrive late to our chiropractor appointment. Heavy sarcasm. Listen, I’m the only person on earth to have two year old twin toddlers. I’m not sure if you knew that, but it’s a fact. Do you know just how difficult it is to clothe a flailing human?? DO YOU?? Ugghh…and TWO of them?? Well take a seat and let ME tell you. It ain’t pretty. It involves a lot of sweating, crying, tantrums. And that’s just ME. And then to get them into the garage without seeing some random toy they haven’t played with in months, but just CAN’T part with for the 45 minutes out of their life they will be away from the homestead. A simple task that could eat up 5 minutes out of your life has now turned into a 2 HOUR ordeal. The screaming. Biting. Brushing the hair. More screaming. The aimless wondering about. And someone please tell my why children turn into contortionists, or David Blaine with escaping your mother death- grip?? It’s insanity. But also, true raw talent. For that, I applaud them. Not, however, when the clock is ticking away, laughing in your face. The clock, of which, your children no absolutely nothing about!! More worry. Now that little hamster is running for his life in that wheel, and smoke is arising from his adorable little hamster legs! The anxiety rises. These animals, I mean kids, can smell it! They prey on it! I know for sure I NEVER did this as a child. My mother has never threatened “payback” to me in regards of my childhood behavior. So imagine my shock when my children conduct themselves in this way. Ludicrous. And rude, clearly. Two year olds these days, no respect for their elders.

Make it to the chiropractor. I offer my apologies…but they’re empty at this point, and he knows it. I’m not even ashamed. I own it. Because, well, how could anyone understand? I’m the only one on the planet who has children!!! Lol We climb back in the car with bribery of suckers and a short in-flight movie.! I’m so exhausted from the loading of Noah’s Ark earlier, I’m ready for the “easy button”. Again with the thinking. Do I push it now, then make homemade dinner? Or do I assemble something magical from the bare cupboards and call it good? But now you remember the heavy rejection of the mornings cheesey eggs…the dog didn’t even want to eat them off the table like he always does. Maybe I’m losing it! Driving. Thinking. Stop? Don’t stop. “Save the money Blayr!” Or “Come on Blayr, you deserve it! Plus, you can’t take that it when ya go anyway!” Buy lunch through the drive-thru.” I want to punch myself in the face…but then would worry if my feelings were hurt right after! So much thinking that, WHOOPS! I’m home! I drove all the way home in that time! Its decided. Grasping for creative lunch options, you got it! Surprisingly, the little monkeys ate what was served! Mama win! The hamster begins to relax, well, spin the wheel at a slower rate. And taboot, they’re acting tired! It’s only noon. This day has been so good. You just know nap is going to go like a dream. Historically, Blayr, nap time has always been stellar! HA! That was a good one. Almost got it out without laughing. Now comes all the worry, and thinking, and questioning, and doubting yourself..when do I leave the room? Do I commit to it and give it my all and enforce nap time never surrender!! Or, do I say “EFF IT!!! Mamas OUT!” And let them ride it out. Well the ladder ended up as my fate. Let’s be real honest…I believe 99% of the time that’s where I lean towards.
I leave. This time, I was more confident because they both had pooped! No poop logs on the window sill this time! A girl can pray…nonetheless, I got so much accomplished! Laundry. Folding. Hanging items on actual hangers. All the while hearing them play, scream, and laugh! Fine. That’s where I am in life. The “I’m going to shut the door, and you’re not going to die” phase in life! My standards are low. As, yet another amazing moment is passing in my life where I’m patting myself on the back and letting the little hamster “take 5”, and not worry because I’m being an amazing mom, I hear a blood curdling scream!! Ah hell. Stop Blayr! Stop patting yourself on the back. That’s when shit goes downhill FAST!! I run in to see Hayden with huge crocodiles tears, holding her limp hand. Shit. Shit shit SHIT!!! You gave the little hamster a break, and now something on my child is broken!! Good job mom!!! So glad you got that laundry folded while your daughter harms herself! Here. Enjoy a slice of guilt pie! I’m not certain how she did it. I’m thinking a reclined back of recliner plus another sister slamming it in the upright position while her fellow sister’s hand remained in the crevice? I’m no Sherlock Holmes, but I’m a mom. I think that is an equivalent detective status! The screaming, the crying, my worrying! The hamster was on overtime now! What do I do? Do I take her in? Will they amputate? Do I call someone? Do I get an ambulance? Do I touch it and move it around? Do I secure it with a popsicle stick? I’m not a Google MD mom, I just refer to old reality shows and Greys Anatomy I’ve watched over the years to qualify me again in medical decision making! Now all the questioning. Second guessing yourself! First thing I do? Call my husband! He’s a doctor! No. No he’s not!! But I trust in him so much, he might as well be! What did he tell me upon calling him in a panic? Call the pediatrician! He’s brilliant!! Why didn’t I think of that?? As I waited for the pediatrician to call back, I observed her. The threat was low that it was serious. She was running around using it to hit her sister and such, so we were pretty safe! The phone call came, I informed the nurse on the phone how I don’t know the protocol for such an event! What do I look for? What should I do. The hamster is wiped. Has its tongue hanging out, ready for retirement. Me too hamster. Me too! I try to explain to the hamster how we’ve only been in this wheel for two and a half years! We’ve got to hang in there!! As my precious little defiant offspring slowly drifted off one by one to their slumber, 4 hours later, in the middle of my family room of all places. On their backs…I decided to just let them. Had a good heart to heart with that hamster. Told him those errands I wanted to do when the girls woke from nap could wait. Bedtime? We’ll just deal with when it gets here. Dinner? Go ahead and slap that “Easy” button” and call it a day! You deserve it! Your kids deserve a mom who accepts defeat sometimes, and stops worrying so much. Sit at the table with them with food someone else prepared for all of you, and take it in! Because you and that hamster have plenty to worry about down the road, and bigger mountains to climb. I have permission to myself to relax, and enjoy…and let that hamster “take 5”.

Dear Lord, this mama is on FIIII-YAAAAAA!!!! And not in a sexy, smoldering way! Like in the “my kids, and window sill, and rocking chair, and this MAMA are all covered in poop” kinda way!!!

We were having an exceptional day! I was even in the midst of awarding myself for being that awesome, amazing, get-on-the-floor-to-play-with-my-kids kind of mom! Ones you hear about and strive to be! It was naptime. Historically, a big challenge, but still VERY needed! As we learned the day before…no nap for babies is a poor life choice for daddy and I!

As they clearly weren’t calming down too much, I left the room to retrieve some tissues for their drippy, snotty noses. And to get myself prepared for the long, and rocky descend into Sleepy-Town. I walk out. Instantly I forget why I’m out there. I blame my severe and also self-diagnosed case of ADHD. Or better yet, my amazing multi-tasking-super-woman mom brain!  Figure I’ll switch the load of laundry around, get the lunch plates into the dishwasher, get a light jog in because hey! It’s nice out. KIDDING!!! I don’t jog, fools!! I’m basically completely winning at this “Mom” gig. I’m the one to envy for really having my shit together! I’m gently patting myself on the back for being so amazing, but all the while I have a gut feeling. Ya know, the one that always reminds you to wear clean undies, a bra, and don’t wear your slippers when running a quick errand! Because you just know the time you DON’T, that’ll be the time you end up in the ER, pushing your car out of a snow bank, or helping a stranger chase after their loose dog!! Dogs get me everytime! That voice! All of us women have it, and we have it for a reason!! It’s not voices, I swear! I think…anyway…LISTEN TO IT!! I knew I’d stayed away from the girls just a BIT too long…and probably forgot the tissues I left to retrieve in the first place!

I approach the door, knowing nothing good was waiting for me on the other side! I open the door to laughing, naked, diaperless toddlers, and a stench! A smell that slapped me in the face so hard, made me think I left me 200lb Mastiff in with the girls to defficate all over! The dog couldn’t be blamed for this one! My eyes move from the rocking chair, to the window sill, to the toddler holding a medicine syringe with a log of poo at the end of it like a lollipop!! I started screaming “WHO’S POOP IS THAT!?!?? WHO’S POOP IS THAT!?!???” I became an inconsolable, barking dog! I’m sure also at pitches only dogs could hear! The rage was instant. Fire brewing in my eyes, steam rolling out of my ears, and a blood pressure off the charts! I move closer to the window. Urine accompanied the fecal matter! Now, to a new level of rage!! Oh wow, haven’t felt that before! Well you just surprise yourself everyday, now don’t ya Blayr? I look to one child, and to the other. Their wide eyes were a little of pride, some fear, but mostly laughing at their moms fit of rage! Finally the culprit revealed herself, and my suspicions were correct. It was Haydey Lady, as she proudly confirmed “Haydey. Poop!”

Why for the love of all is holy, do these kids not understand the level of filth and disgusting-ness playing with your own poo is!?!? Like on a scale of 1-10, it’s a 5,000!!! Oh wait, that’s my job to educate them on that. Perhaps not when Mamas head is spinning, spit is spewing out of her head, and she’s levitating should we have this educational moment. Another time, mama. Another time.

I angrily leave the room, slamming the door behind me. Gather cleaning supplies, and get back in there and begin. I start scrubbing the window sill, wondering what in the hell I fed this child that turned her poo into TAR! I start disinfecting, scrubbing, contemplating life. Like I do sooooooo many times in their short little lives. Like why God thought it was ok, and I was of sound mind, to bring these kids up into this world! Now the girls continue to play with the poo on the seat and the arm of the leather lazy-boy-recliner. I scream more obscenities, and in one fellow swoop like the Hulk, slide the recliner right out of their room! Slam the door, yet again. Teaching my children amazing new skills that I will ultimately discipline them for down the road, and wonder where they “ever learned such behavior??”. I leave with all the cleaning supplies. Thinking to myself of how many times you’ve heard other hilarious stories people have told you about their kids and poo. I remember laughing at all those stories. HARD! So why am I not laughing now? Because this shit is DISGUSTING!!! Cleaning it up? Smelling it?? Teaching about it?? Pure filth! It’s too much! So I take out the trash. Now awarding myself as the WORST mom there ever was! Anger now being replaced by feelings of overwhelmed, sadness, defeat. Why did I, the adult here, get so out of hand? I take the bag of trash filled with poop, dirty diapers, paper towels, and all my hopes and dreams of being that PERFECT mom I always dreamed I’d be…and threw it to the curb. Took a deep breath, and walked back in.
I bathe the poopy toddler, slide the cleaned off recliner back into the room, and gather the culprits’ blankie and binkie, and begin to rock her. Hopey had put herself into bed. Must’ve got wiped out watching the show I begin to forgive everyone in the room…but mainly, myself. I let go of how I THOUGHT the day should be going, and gave in to what it was. Reminded myself that “this too shall pass”, and the poop-less toddler fell alseep in my arms.
I left the room. Wanting to cry. Hanging my head. So they started their naps a little later in the day? So we won’t make it to their chiropractor appointment on time later on? So I didn’t get to that day old salad? I needed to sit. I needed to shed a tear. I needed to tell myself it’s ok! And as I type and hear that little munchkin screaming and cryin because she lost her binkie, I will go back in. Because the beauty isn’t in the falling, it’s in the rising. I will dust myself off, give myself a break, and pat myself on the back, because no one was made more for those two kiddos than I. No one will love them as fiercely as I will. And absolutely nobody can clean up their “Tar-Like-SHIT” better than I can! I do, however, invite you to come over and try.

Being a woman is amazing!! We get to do so many incredible things men don’t! Carry our offspring, multi-task, bleed 12 weeks out of the year, cry openly whenever you want! Mix all that together, and you have my Thursday morning! Riding the PMS rollercoaster is something I never really did till post children (carrying my offspring). It’s no joke either! The ups, the downs, the anxiety, the short temper…on top of cramps and purchasing your necessary toiletry items…it’s just too much! Thursday was the perfect storm of PMSing, chaos, children, and scrambled eggs! I want to cry again just typing it! lol I have been robbed of something I didn’t really know I had. Freedom in the morning! Since the start of our “Big Girl Bed” phase…life came to a screeching hault, and turned upside down! Like I’m sure it did for many unsuspecting parents thinking it was just going to business as usual! My blissful child wake up time had been 9am, and suddenly turned to a 6-6:30am wake up. That’s barbaric and uncalled for for a night owl mama like myself! So my usually casual start to my day with some alone time, is now shared time. I don’t have a chance to get to “winning at life” before the little hellions awake from their slumber and bring my expectations and hopes and dreams for the day down to dark side! Little lovely, glorious assholes! I awake stumble into their room, bad breath and all, to which the girls will ask “mommy poop?” Nope. I try to negotiate more sleep with my littles by rocking them back to sleep. This only awakens them more…and so the day begins. I’m already behind and there’s no catching you till you cry” uncle”, and tag somebody else in your lifeline and say “You’re IN! I’m OUT!” So with low hope for the morning I walked out to the kitchen to assemble something edible. I walk into the pantry to look for cereal. By the time I decide perhaps too much sugar for this morning and let’s do cheesy eggs, I turn around to see Hayden the instigator on the kitchen counter, standing, drizzling Dawn dish soap all over her hands and feet can counter. Laughing! God bless her. She’s having a GREAT time. My blood begins to start to simmer. The heat is rising. Then I get her down. Continue to assemble cheesey eggs. Hope is shockingly, rolling about on the couch, fingers in her mouth and blankie Jonny her face because SHOCKER, she’s still tired!! By now because I accidentally left the lock off the fridge door, Hayden has snuck out some BBQ sauce from the door. Blood is beginning to get a good ripple of activity through it. Hope is now wanting to cook in her kitchen and is asking for a fork or poon! I have yet to crack one egg or fire up the stove top. We’re about a half hour in! Hayden is screaming to “sit up mommy! Sit. Up “ To which I reply no! So she finds the bar stool to the counter where they eat, climbs up it and is splashing in the dirty dishes in the sink. Then places her feet in. Mind you, they have no clothing on, just a diaper, and chewed up food debris all in some pretty dread locks! Are you envisioning a beauty. A homeless beauty? Then we’re on the right track! At this point I threw all the ingredients in and was rolling. Finally Hope resurfaced after working on a “Big Poop”. I change her diaper, get both girls strapped into their seats to ensure no counter dancing, and return to the cooking eggs of which I’m getting misty eyed because how is one human to accomplish such insanity? At this point I look at the clock. My nanny is to arrive in 15 minutes. In that sliver of time I’m to accomplish vacuuming, dusting, unloading and reloading the dishwasher, get my teeth and hair brushed, apply something to my face to make me look alive. Envision the mommy version of the homeless child I just described and your looking at me. Hayden begins to cry because she’s strapped in, unable to maneuver around the counters, Hope is asleep on her pile of blankies waiting for her cheesey eggs. I begin to sob. I was jealous that Hayden got to openly weep, and knew I needed the release to! As my tears forced my body to shake and I remained in the corner of the kitchen, crying my eyes out…the sobbing ceased from behind me. Hayden and Hope were in shock. And started to show compassion! Alas!! They have hearts, and are concerned about mama short circuiting! The PMSing got to be too much, the stress of the kids got to be too much, the fight my husband and I had a month ago got to be too much, the finance struggle got to be too much, my childhood insecurities surfaced, the Sarah McClaghlin save the animals commercial got to be too much, Jack never letting go in Titanic got to be too much…it came to ahead. And then there was sweet sweet release! When PMSing, anything goes…and everything comes out. And its needed! My nanny arrived, I wept openly in front of her, just wanting significant evidence to others that it was ok to send my to the looney bin!! I got in my car, drove away from the scene of the crime, and got the biggest coffee Starbucks offered! I had my release, and was able to openly laugh at the shot show the day gifted me with! At the end of the day, with the wild one Hayden in my arms I told her I loved her, and she whispered it back and drifted to sleep! Perfection. Balance. Insanity. It all takes place in a matter of moments when being a parent!!

What the eff??? Up at 3 am with Haydo Potatoe! Waking up, rocking back to sleep, aiding in hydration? All fine! No problems! I gotcha baby girl!! Happily will do all those things. In return, would you kindly just drift off to sleep again, ok?? Oh, no?? Little baby insomnia has arrived? I’ve never had any troubles with my kids sleeping. As of late, thanks to our new big girl beds, seems I’m retrieving little ones from the floor and returning them into bed. But, yet again a simple task I don’t mind in the least. However, rocking, and singing, and water needs were met, and you’re still blinking, looking up at me? Ah hell!! And so the dance begins. Constantly questioning my decisions. When do I leave the room, and let her fall asleep on her own? Do I cave and take her into our room and sleep with mommy and daddy? Do I assemble her crib, and get her back into that and just going backwards in life just to I can catch some zzzz’s??? Oh so many hard life choices when I barely can walk myself to the bathroom and pee! So when the rocking and sweet, sweet singing doesn’t do the trick…into our bed we go! About an hour goes by on that trick! TV was on, she wanted to watch everything! Turned off, she’s caressing my face and whispering sweet nothings into my ear. Sure, pretty precious. But mamas needs her beauty rest!!! And why don’t these daddy’s we have hear a thing?? Or ever sit up and say “I got this! Beautiful. You just drift gently back to sleep and I’ll get the little one to sleep! I’ll put her back in her bed, run out and get you a coffee and book a pedicure for you!” Ok. I got carried away. But I’d settle for “I’ll stay awake and make sure they don’t die.” You know…simple. Realistic dreamer here. But no. Just a lot of shifting around in bed getting comfortable while I, and Jesus take the wheel! So when that didn’t result in SUCCESS, back into the room to go. Trying all kinds of tricks. Night light on, night light off, holding her a different way while rocking, putting even more fresh ice into her arctic water, a diaper change, and snack, a pony, a balloon and parade through the room…even climbing into her bed!!! Oh I know it’s risky business, but I’m desperate at this point!!!! Fetal position, large ass hanging significantly over the edge, playing Russian Roulette with the weight restrictions…you know you’ve been there too! And alas. Nothing. Still blinking at me. Shouting out requests. By now, it’s time for some tough love only mama can provide! I exit the room. Screaming ensues. Banging on the door, thrashing around…and worst of all…she wakes her sister! Boy am I living the pages of “Go the F#€% To Sleep” book. By now…I’m done. And it’s best I just leave them to figure it out, because mamas nerves are frail and and chewed on and shits about to get real because you’re messing with my sleep!!!! I return and actually have a moment of heart exploding with love because Hope got on the floor, laid next to Hayden, and rubbed her back and calmed her down! I’m telling you…moments that seriously make you question your sanity that you’re seeing something sooo beautiful and amazing and you’re not worthy of pure perfection…right after you were for certain you were dialing for an ambulance to bring the straight jacket and haul you away!!! To sweet sweet freedom! Moments like these that make it all worth it!! God, I swear sprinkles those in when you’re at the breaking point. When you’re at the “Fuck it! I’m out!” point. Just to bring ya back into the game! It’s very strategic, and extremely effective!! So I think…they’re safe. They’re lying on the floor together. They might be awake…but they’re ok in there. I’ll get a little shut eye….because it’s 5am now, and I deserve it. A little cap nap if ya will? I’m flooded with overwhelming emotions of the sweetness I’m witnessing, and reminding myself the amazingness that twins can only bring to your life! I was

Action shot of the scene of the crime!

ready to drift off, it’s quiet. I look at the monitor. No babies to be found in the screen. Shit! It can only mean one thing…they’ve climbed onto their dresser in the closet. At first I think, I’ll just wait for them to get back down. They do it all the time. It was taking forever. Then it hits me…I had left ALL their butt cremes out on top of their dresser, the changing table. I knew…it was time to go back in, and it wasn’t going to be pretty. I swing open the door. There they are. Coated. Desitin smeared all over their bodies. They were just lathering it up between their grubby little fingers, and laughing it up!!!! That’s it!! Mamas pissed!! Lights on, clothes on! We’re going for a car ride! God bless Starbucks for opening so early!! Loaded up the girls, got my coffee, and even paid for the person’a coffee behind me. Trying to get right with the universe again. Because, kids are assholes.

Being a woman is amazing!! We get to do so many incredible things men don’t! Carry our offspring, multi-task, bleed 12 weeks out of the year, cry openly whenever you want! Mix all that together, and you have my Thursday morning! Riding the PMS rollercoaster is something I never really did till post children (carrying my offspring). It’s no joke either! The ups, the downs, the anxiety, the short temper…on top of cramps and purchasing your necessary toiletry items…it’s just too much! Thursday was the perfect storm of PMSing, chaos, children, and scrambled eggs! I want to cry again just typing it! lol I have been robbed of something I didn’t really know I had. Freedom in the morning! Since the start of our “Big Girl Bed” phase…life came to a screeching hault, and turned upside down! Like I’m sure it did for many unsuspecting parents thinking it was just going to business as usual! My blissful child “wake-up time” had been 9am, and suddenly turned to a 6-6:30am wake up. That’s barbaric and uncalled for for a night owl mama like myself! So my usual, casual, start to my day with some alone time, is now SHARED time. That’s unacceptable.  I don’t have a chance to get to “winning at life” before the little hellions awake from their slumber, and bring my expectations and hopes and dreams for the day down to the dark side! Little lovely, glorious, assholes! I awake stumble into their room, bad breath and all, to which the girls will ask “mommy poop?” Nope. I try to negotiate more sleep with my littles by rocking them back to sleep. This only awakens them more…and so the day begins. I’m already behind and there’s no catching you till you cry “uncle”, and tag somebody else in your lifeline and say “You’re IN! I’m OUT!” So with low hope for the morning, I walked out to the kitchen to assemble something edible. I walk into the pantry to look for cereal. By the time I decide “perhaps too much sugar for this morning and let’s do cheesy eggs!”, I turn around to see Hayden the instigator on the kitchen counter.  Standing.  Drizzling dish soap all over her hands and feet can counter, just like syrup. Laughing! God bless her. She’s having a GREAT time. My blood begins to start to simmer. The heat is rising. Then I get her down. Screaming ensues. On both ends, really. Me and her. Continue to assemble cheesey eggs. Hope is shockingly, rolling about on the couch, fingers in her mouth and blankie on her face because, SHOCKER, she’s still tired!! Ya think?? 6:30am is again, ridiculous!! By now, because I accidentally left the lock off the fridge door, Hayden has snuck out some BBQ sauce from the door, analyzing how to open it and I’m sure lather it all over her body. Blood is beginning to get a good ripple of activity through it. Hope is now wanting to cook in her kitchen and is asking for a “fork or ‘poon!”.  I have yet to crack one egg or fire up the stove top. We’re about a half hour in! Hayden is screaming to “sit up mommy! Sit. Up “ To which I reply “NO!”! Oh, immlosing it now! The reins are slipping out of my grasp and even Jesus can’t take this wheel!! She finds the bar stool to the counter where they eat, climbs up it and is splashing in the dirty dishes in the sink. Standard. Then places her feet in. Mind you, they have no clothing on, just a diaper, and chewed up food debris all in some pretty dread locks! Are you envisioning a beauty. A homeless beauty? Then we’re on the right track! At this point I threw all the ingredients in and was rolling. Finally Hope resurfaced after working on a “Big Poop”. I change her diaper, grateful she didn’t walk over to me with her “Big Accompolishement”! I get both girls strapped into their seats to ensure no counter dancing, and return to the cooking eggs of which I’m getting misty eyed because how is one human to accomplish anything in such insanity? At this point I look at the clock. My nanny is to arrive in 15 minutes. In that sliver of time I’m to accomplish vacuuming, dusting, unloading and reloading the dishwasher, get my teeth and hair brushed, apply something to my face to make me look alive. Envision the mommy version of the homeless child I just described and your looking at me. Hayden begins to cry because she’s strapped in, unable to maneuver around the counters.  Hope is asleep on her pile of blankies, waiting for her cheesey eggs. I begin to sob. I was jealous that Hayden got to openly weep, and knew I needed the release to! As my tears streamed effortlessly down my face, they forced my body to shake and I remained in the corner of the kitchen, crying my eyes out. I dwindled to a small, deprecated version of the Super-Human- Woman I would sometimes see myself as, and gave in to the melt down of my own. Suddenly, the sobbing ceased from behind me. Hayden and Hope were in shock.  And started to show compassion! Alas!! They have hearts, and are concerned about mama short-circuiting! The PMSing train was rolling through at FULL STEAM, and there was no stopping it.  It all got to be too much!  the stress of the kids got to be too much, The fight my husband and I had a month ago got to be too much, the finance struggle got to be too much, my childhood insecurities surfaced, the Sarah McClaghlin save the animals commercial got to be too much, Jack never letting go in Titanic got to be too much…it came to ahead. And then there was sweet sweet release! When PMSing, anything goes…and everything comes out. And its needed! My nanny arrived, I wept openly in front of her, just wanting significant evidence to others that it was ok to send my to the looney bin!! I got in my car, drove away from the scene of the crime as fast as I could, and got the biggest coffee Starbucks offered! I had my release. I needed it. We ALL need it!! I was able to openly laugh at the shit show the day gifted me with! At the end of the day, with the wild one Hayden in my arms I told her I loved her, and she whispered it back and drifted to sleep! Perfection. Balance. Insanity. It all takes place in a matter of moments when being a parent!!

This is your very first post. Click the Edit link to modify or delete it, or start a new post. If you like, use this post to tell readers why you started this blog.